Silent Hill should have remained silent

Silent Hill is basically the equivolent of a really hot chick who's dumb as a bag of hammers and refuses to shut up... oh yeah, but bloodier and trying to kill you.

So yeah, the movie was awesome looking. It was filled with unforgettable imagery, demonic creations, and insane recreations of Hell itself. That being said, the movie was about as well scripted and acted as The Cell. Yeah that's right, I pulled the J.Lo card. Silent Hill after all was said and done was little more than The Cell 2. Like its predecessor we got little more than imaginative settings filled with laughably boring characters. It was just so good and yet, so very bad at the same time bringing to mind memories of Star Wars Ep 3. I just don't know what to say. It's like they gave a touch up to a Uwe Bole script and put a decent director behind the camera.

See it if you can watch it with subtitles. I suggest gouging out only the very most sensative portions of your ear canals so that you can still hear the music and atmospheric stuff, because bar none that was excellent too.

So what do we got here? Fantastic direction and set design, great music,  and beautifuly horrid monsters. It's just missing a script and a good dialogue coach. Get it right next time, Hollywood, cause this one really showed some awesome promise.

4.9/10 Side Recommendations: The Cell (even though I hated it) or Resident Evil (because I still consider that a competent video game movie, enjoyable even)

Good Topic. Unsure of the delivery

So I went to see Hard Candy last night. The trailer'd intrigued me for quite some time. Check it out if you haven't already. If you need a little background, I got ya covered: Hard Candy is essentially the retelling of the whole Little Red Riding Hood tale with a bit of reality thrown into the mix, hence no big bad wolf. Instead of our lupin antagonist, we are greeted by a suave and nonthreatening older gentleman preying on a young 14 year old girl. He says all of the right things while being sure not to over-step his boundaries. He makes her feel comfortable and throws in all of the right, subtly hidden mildly sexual flirtations. It really meaders down a path that I thought was ripe for exploring, as these sorts of things seem to play out in the news on a daily basis: older man finds young girl on the internet and another statistic is added to the boards.

The twist comes rather early on when our antagonist is drugged and accused of being a pedaphile, and subsequantly the murderer of a missing child. He's bound, somewhat gagged, and tortured for his alleged crimes. That being said, we're never actually shown in real proof of any crime. Sure the guy might be slick and he very well might be a raging kiddie diddler, but then again we're not sure. He's going through all of these really horrible events for what very well might be a bad case of misunderstandings. Sure he was fucked up for even meeting a girl 18 years his junior. Sure he was wrong for letting her drink on his premises, though he never encourages it. Sure he leads her down this path, but the fact is he never does anything. He never kisses her or touches her, hell about the only thing he does happens in the firt few minutes and is strongly forward at best. Nothing criminal.

Now, I'm not saying the guy is free from guilt by any means, but the question this movie forces you to confront is does he deserve what he goes through? Who do you side with: the possible child molester who may not even be so or th young girl inflicting all of this torture on him in a form of pre-self defense if you will? Where do youn draw the line? Is it when he comes on to her? Did he deserve to be punished then? What about if she were to discover kiddie porn in his possesion? Does he deserve it then? What if the kiddie porn were generic, stuff that anyone could find on the internet? Is he a monster then? Does he deserve death? The Japanese have indulkged in statutory rape (by our definition) for ages now. Is that a whole country just begging to be burned to cinders?

It's thoughts like that that had me in a bind dure Hard Candy. In fact if it weren't for the lack of characters that I could really indentify with, then I think I might have liked the flick more. The girl is not that tragic and comes off as a little bit too psychotic to be sympathized with. The guy is going through all of these terrible things, but then again he's not that tragic either since he transforms poorly in the third act. In fact, up until that thrid act the movie deals with a premise that needs adressing well, but then loses all ot its steam and turns into another semi-cookie cutter psychological thriller/whodunit.

See it if you like. It's good, but not as provoking as I'd hoped it'd be.
7.8/10 Side Recommendations: The Professional (Awesome semi-illegal moments that Jean Reno calms and pushes aside aka How to intelligently deal with a teenage girl coming onto you.)

So you want to see something good?

I see you over there staring at me as if to say, "Alex, this shit is killing me! One crapfest of a movie after another. This is unbearable! It's almost as if I'd made a career of having sex with young boys and am now being made to atone for my sins with cinematic punishment! Alex, I am no pedophile! Help me ezcape this purgatory of crappy film!"

I smile coyly in response because I know what it's like to be there. I too am being made to pay for pedophiliac endeavors which I never partook of. It's a sad sad existence we lead when this crap that they put in front of us is to be accepted as entertainment. I mean, seriously, if they want us to not question authority and go about our sheepish lives, then at least give us soemthing worthwhile to talk about! -And President Bush wonders why his approval ratings are so low. Sheesh.

That being said, I bring you good tidings, my loyal reader, there in fact are good movies out there for you to enjoy! Can you believe it! I know I couldn't. So away we go!



Inside Man, directed by Spike Lee (which surpirsed the hell outta, since I 1. Hadn't heard too much about the flick and 2. Had no idea about the quality I was in for) is a fantastic little mental ride through a bank robbery where the robbers *SPOILER* don't steal a single dollar and get away scott free *SPOILER END*.

The acting was fantastic with great characters and stars coming out the anus! Fantastic flick with a gripping story and all, but the thing is I felt a bit let down in the end, because after all was said and done it felt as though anyone could have written the movie. It didn't have that Ocean's 11 feeling to it where they knew intricate details about the bank vaults and the behind the scenes stuff. I crave that sort of information, you know? So when Spike didn't give me any more info than any fool on the street might know, well then I call bollocks. That being said, this is a great flick. It's quality for one and a great thinker for two.

You'll like it, especially when you realize that I'm just a knitpicky bitch sometimes that has to have everything perfect.... but really, can you blame me when the last flick I saw from Spike was 25th Hour? Now come on! I think I am  more than justified in expecting a masterwork here, but again, the last thing I'll ever say is that this movie was bad.

8/10 Side Recommendations: 25th Hour (Spike Lee) and Heat (One of my favorite heist movies)




Now I see you looking at me again, and you're not satisfied yet because you're a whiny bitch and, "You just don't want to always go to a movie where you have to think boohoo." To that I say, go see fucking Slither you whining pussy! No seriously though, you'll fucking love it.

Slither... shit, what can I say about a movie that wraps gross, bloody, icky, funny, and zombie all into one package and shoves it straight down your throat? Well, I'll say this.... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR GOOBER, GO FUCKING SEE SLITHER! Yes, it's THAT fucking good. I was laughing, jumping, and enjoying the hell out of that flick... and that's even with going in there with high expectations!

If you're like me and you love you some bloody movies then see it! If you like the zombie flicks then you must see it. -And if you're sick to death of bad horror movies then I'm gonna kick you in the nuts if you haven't seen by the time I find you! See it. See it. See it now. For fuck's sake, they even have the Predator theme in the movie when all of the cops are arming themselves to the teeth. You'll like it and likely want to own it.

9/10 Side Recommendations: Any movie with "Came From Outer Space!" in the title and Mystery Science Theatre 3000 (They've got a butt load of dvds out now. Do yourself a favor and rent them for those occasions when you plan on getting stoned, drunk, or both!

Vis for a Sharp Pain in My Ass!!

You SHOULD go and buy this book immediately. In fact, my recommendations at the end of my blog, as they are commonly found, will have nothing to do with sending you to other crappy comic book raping "adaptations", but rather point you in the direction of fine literature in the form of Alan Moore and Garth Ennis.

Now onto V.Let's Start from the beginning shall we? V for Vendetta WAS a beautiful and stirring piece about struggling against an oppressive system of corruption, greed, and hate. It WAS about fighting and taking back what was rightfully yours to begin with, human liberty. It WAS a piece which enlightened its readers to the merits of anarchy and really explained it in a way that didn't have me assuming that it was nothing more than a movement founded by stupid punk kids that'd listened to the Sex Pistols once too often. V for Vendetta WAS all of these things..... and then Joel Silver and the Wachowski Brothers got a hold of it.

Let me put it to you this was: Alan Moore publicly demanded that his name  be removed from this film, because just like the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Hollywood has absolutely no respect for any work other than their own.

Acting: It was okay, there was lots of it.

Action: Explosions just like the book had, but then they threw in this Matrix bullshit running with knives that leave a vapor trail sort of thing which just pissed me off. Overall, the book was not only WAY more violent and gruesome, but was also BETTER in this department. Yes you heard me, BETTER! Still images on a piece of paper, images that cannot move, were more believable and exciting that a fucking movie!!

Story: Don't even get me started on this one.... Let's just say for arguement's sake that if the book was a strong cry against the social injustices of our government's persistant attempts at taking more and more of our freedoms away, a cry which demanded nothing less than the complete and utter destruction of said government.... then the movie was a whimpering cry to vote.

Joesl Silver in an interview stated that he was dumbfounded by the reasoning behind Alan Moore's refusal to have his name associated with the picture. He said, "There are parts in the beginning that are the same, parts in the middle that are the same, and parts in the end that are the same..." Yeah, Joel, it was only the FUCKING MESSAGE that got lost in the mix. Fucking Hollywood cocksuckers.


Look, if you haven't figured out that I didn't like this movie yet, then I suggest that you become a major Hollywood producer and make millions upon millions of dollars raping that works of other more talented and gifted individuals than yourself.... that or blow your fucking brains out all over your kitchen counter.

Sure, this movie was bound that be bad. Why would Hollywood make a film that actually speaks out against our current situation where our freedoms and privacy are being taken away by the day? Why would Hollywood take the opportunity to change a person's outlook, maybe even stir an idea? Why wouldn't Hollywood try to make a person see that the society of future London wasn't that far from the world they live in currently? Why? Because if V was actually what it was supposed to be, then Hollywood would have been on his shitlist and likely blown to all fucking hell along with all of the other systems of miseducation and misinformation.

Sadly, the world needs V. It speaks to us like few other voices have been able, and with words that are as appropratie as those of George Orwell's in his stunningly real 1984. Do yourself a favor and read it too, if you haven't already.

2.5/10 Side Recommendations: READ you lazy fuck! Preacher by Garth Ennis, Watchmen, V for Vendetta, Top 10, really anything by Alan Moore; Torso by Brian Michael Bendis.

The Hills have Eyes

t's been over two fucking months since I've been to a theatre to see a movie.... let that sink in first... over TWO fucking months...I'm a movie buff, okay?? This IS a big deal. Shit like this isn't supposed to happen! There was such a deluge of horrible fucking flicks (ie: Ultraviolet & many others) that I couldn't bare even stick my head in a drkened theatre... but now, now I'm back with a fucking vengeance to review a movie that I was half expecting to suck donkey balls, The Hills have Eyes.

So time for a little background info: This Hills have Eyes is actually a remake of the 1977 Wes Craven Hills which was made on a shoe-string, no frills budget back in the day and featured Michael Berryman as one of their head baddies. You might even remember Berryman as mutant biker #3 from Weird Science, aka the school teacher.


The original Hills wasn't actually very good to begin with, though it does hold classic horror status, so my hopes for this one weren'texactly high. I would be proven so completely wrong it's not funny... but that's not the whole story.

So here goes: See IT! I mean that. It's really fucking gory, extremely realistic, unbelievably gritty, and brutally sadistic. Awards should be handed out right this very second to the crew that did the makeup and effects for this flick (which I later found out actually did Narnia and Sin City). It was just insane! So okay, yeah I liked.

Yeah it was good for what it was, but here's where I gotta criticize this flick... the movie, as a whole, simply lacked any form of subtext whatsoever. Now I don't know about you, you may be the kind of person that can just enjoy people getting torn limb from limb and be happy about it, but I'm the kinda guy that needs to know why they're tearing. As the old saying goes, "What's your motivation?" The movie struggles to go deeper than it's inherent subject matter, but never really succeeds. It's simply better served by avoiding any kind of story and getting right down to the nitty gritty of guts.

So take the movie with a grain of salt and if you're in the mood for a bloody thirll ride that was everything that Hostel should have been (AND WASN'T!), then see the Hills Have Eyes. You won't be disappointed.

7/10 Side Recommendations: Dawn of the Dead (2004) & Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Walk the Line

I don't think I need to tell you that this was a fantastic movie. You've got all the ingredients there: Joaquin Phoenix, Johnny Cash, Reese Witherspoon. Any combination of two of those things should have damn well been enough to warrant a fantastic flick, but with Walk the Line you get all three. so just go on and see the damn flick already. No bullshittin', this is by far one of the best movies I've seen all year. Just a great little movie about a great big man.

Now you may be wondering, "Gee Alex, Johnny Cash lived a whole lotta life and wrote a whole lotta songs, how can this movie surmise all of that in roughly two hours?" And my answer would be, "Well Jimmy/Jack/or Billy, it doesn't." Walk the Line is of course about the man in black, but it really focusses more on the relationship between him and June Carter, the lovely singer who would eventually become his second wife and remain married to him for the duration of his life. It's a fantastic love story that just hit me right where it counts. I can't fully explain it, but maybe I saw a little bit of myself and how much of a pain in the ass I can be in Cash and how, through even the worst of times, June sticks by his side. I was literally on the verge of tears by the film's climax, lamenting that I needed to find me a strong woman like that.

Simple as can be, this is a great movie. See it!
9.5/10 Side Recommendations: Buffalo Soldier (Phoenix) & Election (Witherspoon)

Two Great Films!

This is going to be a cumulative review as I've seen a number of new flicks. I'm almost surpirsed by how many good flicks I've seen in such a short period of time. I say almost because, after all, I am a movie buff and rightful so for a reason, good movies do (contrary to popular belief) exist. So just to bring myself down from this rush of good cinema I'm making it a point to watch Blade Trinity just so I don't go getting all high and mighty with my expectations. That being said.... Here we go!

The Excorcism of Emily Rose: First things first, this movie is not quite the scream-fest that you might have been hoping. It's more that slow creeping death that we all hope for in the back of our minds, that sort of wonderful terror that the original Excorcist inspired in us. Yeah, it has some really horrible imagery, the kind of stuff that will soon remind you of the quick flicker of Captain Howdy that popped us out of our seats during the first flick.

The characters are all done well with honorable mentions going out to Jennifer Carpenter, the wonderful and soft spoken girl that played Emily Rose, and Laura Linney, who played the role of a lawyer so well that I found myself conflicted on whether I should give two craps for her or not. It puts you in your place when you see a role developed so well that you want to say, "Fuck her, she's just another souless lawyer." All around good performances litter this piece. In two words: See it. The story is great. The people in it are great. It'll only be missed as an instant classic because not enough people saw it.

9.5/10 Side Recomendations: The Excorcist (Obviously) & Mystic River(Laura Linney)

Again, in three words this time: See this movie! Okay so for credits, this movie was made by the people behind Lethal Weapon. That should be enough to make you consider the flick. Now for my say: This was a great fucking movie! I was just shocked and I mean that in all the best ways. I can't say enough great things about the sharp wit, truly priceless dialogue, and thoughtful performances in this flick. It's the perfect thing to put on when you just want to unwind and laugh your ass off to a solid whodunnit. Downey jr. is great! Kilmer is awesome! See this fucking movie, I mean it. Spend the money to see it in the theatre or just buy it when it hits the dvd shelves. Either way you're going to thank me later.

9.5/10 Side Recomendations: The Salton Sea (Kilmer, not a lot of people saw this flick and yeah it's not perfect, but I thought it was pretty freakin good)

DVD Recomendation: Crash

If you haven't seen this poignant and well written masterpiece about the true nature of racism and life in Los Angeles, then buy it. The movie inspires truem emotion. I was almost brought to tears at some points, paranoia at others, and downright anger during the remainder of the time.

I can't say enough about this flick. Great performances, food for thought, just.... well it was just bloody fantastic! See it, buy it, it'll cure all that ails ya and make you a better person in the long run.

10/10! and you know that I seldom give those out, well maybe not yet, but if I run with this thing then you'll know it in time.

And just for kickers and to inspire a little debate, my favorite all time comic book top 3:

3.) Constantine. Yeah, it stars Captain Whoa himself, but the flick is really deep and just screams of layers beneath its surface. Just looking at the detail in the background tells you that there's a story behind every edifice. See it, love it, and call me in the morning.

2.) Spiderman/ Spiderman II. The human side of a superhero is always a great thing to see. Add to that the whole geek actually having the girl like him and all (if only life were that fair).

And without further ado...

1.) Hellboy. Yes, I said Hellboy! Look, I'm a hopeless romantic at heart and seeing that kind of story really got my juices flowing. It's a great flick. It's comic books and sci-fi mixed with cryptozoology with a fair helping of love story thrown into the mix. Simmer on low for 45 minutes and you'll have yourself a nice goulash in no time at all.

That's all for now kiddies. Until next time, I hope all your movies are either great or so bad that you'll be able to rant about it for weeks after.

-LX out!